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she's dust (demo)

by Sleepy Gonzales

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lyrics

this is a song i play when i want to commune with my grandmothers, both of whom passed in the summers of 2015 and 2018 respectively. While im in the experience of going through these chords, melodies in lyrics, i feel their spiritual presence in a very immediate way.

"i know your mother would be so proud
just look at you grow
with no love,
no sleep."

Though my whole family continues to grieve their absence in our lives from time to time, the impact their passings had on my mom and dad cannot be understated. And so I wrote the lyrics to remind my parents that their continued growth as human beings is still appreciated, despite the void of love left in the wake of their mother's perishing.

"no one spread her ashes in Tofino off a little boat
but whose side were you on when she lost
her balance and fell off the dock?"

these lines are about how we have yet to bring ourselves to spread their ashes in the ocean. there's no place either of them loved more than the ocean, which is especially poignant because of the fact both of them retired in landlocked parts of their respective countries in Canada and Mexico. When we took my mom's mom to the ocean on a roadtrip in the last year of her life, she wept, and declared to us she hadn't seen the ocean in fifteen years.

"if this doesnt hold my weight
there's no ceiling to my worth"
Curtis is nearly gone
and so is Heidi
she was such a doll
but whose side was she on when she blossomed?

These lines represent distance within our famiy, how living relatives can insulate themselves so much within their experience that they may as well already be gone to those they are shutting out. And though I don't hold it against them personally, i cannot deny the alienation it creates within our familial identity.


"if this doesn't go my way
leave my memory to rust
if this doesn't go away
she's dust

these last lines represent the fleeting temporal nature of our memories and the experiences we both share and carry alone. "She's Dust" is an acknowledgment of where some of us have gone onto, and where the rest of us are headed someday.

credits

released August 28, 2023

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Sleepy Gonzales Vancouver, British Columbia

barely even here

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